Tuesday, June 7, 2011

That Time Again...!!!

No… not egg laying season SWIM SUIT SEASON!!!!

The Bathing Suit (by a middle-age woman unknown)

When I was a child in the 1950s, the bathing suit for the mature figure was-boned, trussed and reinforced, not so much sewn as engineered. They were built to hold back and uplift, and they did a good job.

Today's stretch fabrics are designed for the prepubescent girl with a figure carved from a potato chip.

The mature woman has a choice, she can either go up front to the maternity department and try on a floral suit with a skirt, coming away looking like a hippopotamus that escaped from Disney's Fantasia, or she can wander around every run-of-the-mill department store trying to make a sensible choice from what amounts to a designer range of fluorescent rubber bands

What choice did I have? I wandered around, made my sensible choice and entered the chamber of horrors known as the fitting room. The first thing I noticed was the extraordinary tensile strength of the stretch material. The Lycra used in bathing costumes was developed, I believe, by NASA to launch small rockets from a slingshot, which gives the added bonus that if you manage to actually lever yourself into one, you would be protected from shark attacks. Any shark taking a swipe at your passing midriff would immediately suffer whiplash.

I fought my way into the bathing suit, but as I twanged the shoulder strap in place I gasped in horror, my boobs had disappeared!

Eventually, I found one boob cowering under my left armpit. It took a while to find the other. At last I located it flattened beside my seventh rib.

The problem is that modern bathing suits have no bra cups. The mature woman is meant to wear her boobs spread across her chest like a speed bump. I realigned my speed bump and lurched toward the mirror to take a full view assessment.

The bathing suit fit all right, but unfortunately it only fitted those bits of me willing to stay inside it. The rest of me oozed out rebelliously from top, bottom and sides. I looked like a lump of Playdoh wearing undersized cling wrap.

As I tried to work out where all those extra bits had come from, the prepubescent sales girl popped her head through the curtain, "Oh, there you are," she said, admiring the bathing suit.

I replied that I wasn't so sure and asked what else she had to show me. I tried on a cream crinkled one that made me look like a lump of masking tape, and a floral two-piece that gave the appearance of an oversized napkin in a serving ring.

I struggled into a pair of leopard-skin bathers with ragged frills and came out looking like Tarzan's Jane, pregnant with triplets and having a rough day.

I tried on a black number with a midriff and looked like a jellyfish in mourning.

I tried on a bright pink pair with such a high cut leg I thought I would have to wax my eyebrows to wear them.

Finally, I found a suit that fit, it was a two-piece affair with a shorts-style bottom and a loose blouse-type top. It was cheap, comfortable, and bulge-friendly, so I bought it. My ridiculous search had a successful outcome, I figured.

When I got it home, I found a label that read, "Material might become transparent in water."

So, if you happen to be on the beach or near any other body of water this year and I'm there too, I'll be the one in cut-off jeans and a T-shirt! Or the one in the covered lounge chair in the mu-mu!!!

You'd better be laughing or rolling on the floor by this time. Life isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain, with or without a bathing suit!


  1. OMGosh!!! Too funny!! Yes I'm ROTFLMAO!!!

  2. LOL!!!! You are too funny :) I found one before I left oz with a little skirt around the bottom, which I really like as it hides a bit more of me than my other ones!! Now to be brave and hit the pool...!

  3. You won't catch me in one!!

  4. What a great way to start the morning, with a good hardy laugh. Thank you for that.

  5. Bwahahahaahahahahahaha

  6. Thank you for the funny post.

  7. Laughing my socks off :)
    Thank you for describing this in such a vivid manor!
    Best wishes,

  8. Thank you so very much for doing the market research for us - and for entertaining us too - fabulous!!!

    And I want to see you in the wet bathing suit.

  9. OMG!!! LOL!!! You are too funny. I'm almost in tears here. You won't catch me in a bathing suit either. Thanks for all the laughs.

  10. You have me in tears laughing so much, I could of been in the next dressing room making you feel better. Went through the same ordeal before our Florida vacation.

  11. Oh girl!!! I am rolling on the floor!!! The last swim suit I had I made back in the Stretch N Sew Days where you drew up your own pattern from their pattern. Those have since long died...When I think how I used to have several new suits a summer season and they were all well used...and now I see one I RUN for my life!!! I'll be the other one in my mu-mu or capris...

  12. Omigosh!! The funniest!! As much as I love the water, I have zealously avoided buying a swimsuit for at least 15 years. A couple of years ago I took a water aerobics class and was forced to go through just the torture you described.

  13. THIS POST HAS WON MY POST OF THE DAY!!!! SO FUNNY .... AND SO TRUE!!!! I had to read it aloud to the DH and he was rolling! Bless your heart... and your cut off's... Enjoy your Summer.

  14. glad to see you posting again! you been missed! (mauh) Liz

  15. This is waaaaayyyyy tooooo funny!!! But, so sad cuz it is so true! Thanks for posting it. Couldn't come at a more perfect time, cuz we are opening our pool for the season. HUGS... and stitches

  16. I am laughing and rolling here in my computer chair. That is one great blog post! You should be a stand up comic!
    I will be the one in a nice long skirt and a big floppy hat!
    XOXOXOXO Subee

  17. Oh yes - you did make me laugh! I could so relate!


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